where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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