Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
