Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
