Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
