Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
