I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
