dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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