I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You ate ashes out of my bong
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
