just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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