I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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