His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
