Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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