At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
