Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
