jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
