Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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