I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
