I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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