I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
