I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
