Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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