weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
