I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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