My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
