Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
