I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Randomize
