yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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