I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
