It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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