I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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