I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
