i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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