Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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