Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
