I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My ass is underappreciated
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
