I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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