the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
