Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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