some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
