My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
