I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
This house was built for laser tag.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
