wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
