respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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