Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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