I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
