I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
