3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
