Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
