My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
