So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
